Southern Men

Why You're Here and Where You Are:


The American South is even more vast than the Mid-Atlantic comprising the historical area known for its history more than it's geography. This area was once slave country (where Africans were bought and sold and used as slaves by rich white owners who lived on Plantations -- watch the film "Gone With the Wind" for a quick tutorial). The South once tried to become it's own nation after the American Revolution in a battle known as the Civil War (1861-1865). Why bother to know this information? Well, most Americans agree that the South is STILL fighting the inner demons of this war and their dysfunctional racial relationships that still exist to this day. You WILL want to know this information because if you choose to live in the south or marry someone from the south, you'd better get ready for a whole lot of ugly dysfunction that is still trying to work itself out. If you live in a big city (and there aren't a whole lot of them down there) you'll fare better with having a more anonymous buffer between you and the general population. 


You ended up in the south because as we might only be able to guess; you're a mail-order bride and have no idea where Alabama is, you're going there to work because your boss wants to open up an office in some cheap dirt-water town, or you just think the word Mississippi sounds nice to spell. You have no idea what you've just done.


This area is comprised of North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, West Virginia, (Virginia is mostly considered Mid-Atlantic but is officially in the south because it was once slave state), Kentucky, Tennessee, Arkansas, Louisiana, Alabama, and Mississippi (Oklahoma, and Texas are much more like the American West and really aren't like southern states either). You might wonder, "Where is Florida? It's in the South." - the answer is "Yes, but it isn't like the south". Florida is a retirement haven for New Yorkers and a vacation destination. You wouldn't even give a Native Floridian called a "Cracker" a second look so it doesn't matter to discuss them anyway. Miami is fun and a big city in the south and you'd have fun playing with Mickey Mouse at Disney World in Orlando, but still - it doesn't count because it's full of Northerners having escaped the brutal northern winter.


The major cities in the south worth visiting are Atlanta, Richmond, Charleston, Charlotte, Nashville, Knoxville, New Orleans and Raleigh. Other than that, you're out of luck and of those cities mentioned, none are like the sophisticated behemoths that the North has to offer foreigners. 

Southern Men:


Now, it's not fair that I (in particular) write this article, but honestly if there is a Southern Woman who wants to counter this opine I welcome her perspective. I am a New Englander who moved after college to the Mid-Atlantic. I am a Northerner tried and true politically and behaviorally. I have extensive degrees and have met and enjoyed the company of lots of liberal people. All that being said, I am also very well traveled and have met and been chased by Southern Men and it wasn't pretty how that attempt was countered. Needless to say, I wasn't their type of girl for sure.


If a Southern Man is what you hanker for, you'd better be prepared to "Get Your Jesus On" because these men love Jesus more than their mothers. What does it mean that they "love" Jesus? Jesus is part of the fabric and culture of the south. Every last one of them that I have ever met talk about Jesus in casual conversation, swear to his supernatural experiences as a Christian, and have all been "saved" through being "born again". You'd better look up these phrases because if it's a Southern Christian Man (and that's the only kind of man really in the South) you'd better be prepared to talk the Jesus talk and walk the Jesus walk. Seriously...otherwise they will tell you to your face that you are going to hell and they'd rather not walk that path with you unless you'd be willing to be "saved from the pit-fires of Satan". Never mind for one moment that if they could ever meet the ACTUAL HISTORICAL JESUS they would be flabbergasted at his radical, almost hippie-like ideals presented in a very "not southern" way with tables being overturned and flinging the Easter ham out the window (Jesus was a kosher Jew let us not forget), they have turned him into someone else entirely and it is a part of their very existence.


That being said, if you still are interested in a Southern Man and can handle the kind of Christianity like you've never experienced in your corner of the world, then you're in for a real treat. These men are playful, silly, and downright funny. You'll never meet another man who takes his manhood as seriously, is afraid of being gay or even knowing a gay man, and who can do all sorts of very manly things that you've never seen before like hunt a wild boar and gut it before your very eyes, build a house, grill a deer, and have time to wipe the sweat off their burly chests to give you some proper loving. They are some of the most manly men that our country has to offer. 


Southern boys were raised by sensible women and had a manly daddy. They are extremely polite and kind but like all things in the south they are a contradiction. As kind as they are they can be very racist (not all of them are racists but you'd be hard-pressed to find one that doesn't have some kind of prejudice against people who are different from them) and as polite as they are they are also very suspicious of "outsiders". They still, 150 years after the Civil War, suffer the horrible after effects of a bad philosophy toward humanity and continue to evolve through it. 


Where to Meet Him:


It sure won't be hard to meet a Southern Man especially if you don't mind going to church and they have enormous Mega-Churches in the south that even have singles groups so you can profess your interest in marriage and get lots of interested men asking you all sorts of questions about yourself. 


If you'd prefer to keep things religiously neutral to begin the process of meeting Southern Men then going to a Country-Western dance hall, a music venue, or an outdoor restaurant that serves speciality wines or beer. Going to a bar in the South is never advisable unless you are in a large city (and there aren't many of them).  Bars are usually filled with married men and territorial women who wouldn't mind burying your body in the swamp behind their Uncle Bubba's house. 


What He'll Look and Act Like:


Southern Men, regardless of class or race, are well dressed. That being said, they don't have have the swarthy coolness of New Yorkers or the funky fun types that the North has to offer, but they will look nice, clean and respectable. You'll see them looking ready for church on your first date, (do you see a theme here?). He will be "old fashioned" for an American and treat you as if you're made of glass and don't have a muscle in your arms, legs, or head. They will open doors, smile at everything you say, pull out your chair, get up if you get up from your chair, and even tip their hat to a lady coming in the opposite direction. Southern Men are CHARMING to a fault. Think of a French Man without the education, attitude, or over-indulgent mother, and you've got a Southern Man.


Men of the South can be VERY good looking. Chances are his slave-owning ancestors came from Ireland, Scotland, England, or France and married gorgeously groomed women. The Men of the Atlantic Coastal regions are laid-back and friendly. And the Men of New Orleans are descended from the French and Africans and all speak a lovely accent of Creole that is very easy to listen to for hours. It's nice.


What Kind of Girl He's Used To:


His Momma raised him to be a real gentleman and her daughter to be a two-faced bitch and don't think she isn't...not for a moment. If you have a good sense of humor and can see through her thinly veiled attempt to destroy you than you're safe. If you're a French girl, you know her deal and can obliterate her uneducated attempt at sabotage. However, no matter how patient and tolerant you are, you are NOT ONE OF THEM and she's going to do you in but quick. No one has the patience to deal with in-laws who hate them over a lifetime without it killing a bit of their soul so I don't recommend trying to keep sweet with people who hate you.


Your Southern Sweet Man is used to a girl who doesn't complain (except to her friends), who cooks and cleans without argument, and who treats her man like she would her own baby. He is used to her looking her best at all times and to her brushing off his bad behavior as she says something like, "Oh, that's just Johnny being UGLY...pay him no mind" while he lies face down in the mashed potatoes from too much whiskey. She's one tough cookie and takes pain through prayer and is well liked by thousands of women just like her. You've just met a powerful female like you've never encountered before in your life in a Southern girl.

Where Your Blind Spot Is:


Oh boy, do you have blind spots with this man! He's from an alcoholic family? Better run to the airport. He's got credit issues? Better run to the airport. He's got a white hood and cape in the closet with a conferderate flag (look it up)? Better run to the airport. You've not met anyone like him no matter how far and long you've traveled. You'll not be able to wrap your head around his culture and when you finally do you'll be old and wish you could still run to the airport.


The Big Date:


If you're still willing to go on a date with this lovable homophobe then you'll have a great time -- for the night. You'll be going to a greased hog catching competition or to a five star restaurant in the city. It's hard to tell. He's got lots of tricks up his sleeve and will want to come up with the idea. More than likely, since you're foreign he'll want to show you his culture more than any other American and "his way of life" and be prepared to have fun for the short term.