Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Midwestern Men

Why You're Here and What It Is:

The midwest is a very large area and has very large states that are remarkably similar to one another. They are Ohio, Illinois ( this is the state where Chicago is ), Indiana, Michigan, Wisconsin, Iowa, Nebraska, North Dakota, South Dakota, Minnesota, Kansas, and Missouri. The region is noted for its weather which is very hot in the summer with temperatures above 37C and very cold in the winter with temperatures as low as -40C. The eastern part of the Midwest is very different from the western part which is mostly prairie land and almost completely empty.
God only knows why you are here from your part of the world but whatever your reason you're enjoying it tremendously and think that all Americans are sweet as pie and kinder than saints. You are very happy.

 Midwestern Men:

Living in the Midwest, the men are taught to take tornados in their stride, to farm the land or to appreciate farming, to be patient, polite and boring. Yes, boring. Midwestern Men are the BEST men in America and yet...yawn...just thinking of them makes me want to give up the blog and go to sleep. 

The land of the Midwest is flat, monotonous, and the towns are the same. You'll never meet more sweet, helpful, genuinely caring people in all your life. They will go out of their way to give you directions, will introduce the whole clan to you as they pass you on the street, will water their impeccably gorgeous flowers and invite you to stop and smell the roses. You've met the "typical" American that is talked about all over the world. You've met the heart and soul of this great nation yet you also can't get them to talk about anything controversial, to give a definitive opinion about anything difficult to discuss, or to get them to be outraged about injustice. They are just too happy to get upset and don't want you to mess with this happiness.
Where To Meet Him:

Midwesterners are very laid back people...very - laid - back. You're likely to meet him at a local festival, and in fact, be invited by him on the street to go with you to that festival. Unlike their New York brothers, Midwestern Men make no obstacle of your being a complete stranger to him. He trusts that you are completely wonderful and aren't a danger to him. There is no lack of spontaneity in these men and they have nothing but good experiences with most of the people in their lives who are not sarcastic, unkind, or trouble makers for the most part.

You can meet him anywhere...a restaurant, a concert, a walk on the beaches of the Great Lakes, or while waiting in line for an ice cream cone. He'll be open and kind to you straight away.

What He'll Look and Act Like:

He will be polite, clean, and have nice fingernails. If you can stand all the sweetness and light, you're likely to notice that his clothes are neat and pressed, he makes lots of eye contact, and reminds you of a ten year old boy in terms of his respectfulness and charm. It's not all bad however because he isn't a ten year old boy and is more than willing to prove it to you -- after you meet his mother, sisters, brother, and all his cousins. This guy is open and if he likes you he wants you to meet his family. 

Midwestern Men are TALL...not freakishly tall like Dutch Men but very tall and thick like Norwegians. The Norwegians came and settled this land of snow and bugs and you'll notice this right away. They are blue-eyed, blond or fair haired, and have big smiles. They are CUTE.

He will be the quintessential 'All American Boy' that is portrayed in magazines. He will have played some kind of sport in his youth and knows how to compete fairly, he will have good muscles, and straight teeth because his parents wanted him to have braces to make his smile very nice for others to see. He understands nature and doesn't get too freaked out about violent weather as you see a tornado the size of a skyscraper barreling toward you.  He takes all the scary things about the midwest in stride. You'll be impressed that he knows that tornado is going to turn to the north and avoid you completely.
He is brave, calm, and courteous. You will like him immediately and you will be the most exotic creature he will ever meet.

What Kind of Girl He's Used To:

He's used to the sweetest girls in the world. Women being what they are, you'd think that you're dealing with a Southern Girl who seems nice on the outside but are mean on the inside. Not so with a Midwestern Girl. She's nice, happy, and wants to make you her friend because she's got lots of friends and you seem really nice to her too. Midwestern Girls are not territorial about men or her family and wants only to add to her joys and blessings. You're lucky she's going to be your mother / sister / grandmother-in-law. 

His old girlfriend has moved on politely and you'll get no drama from her unless she's mentally unwell. You'll just be so happy also because the girls who date his friends will be curious about you and welcome you into their circle of friends because you're "special" and "nice" and they just love you. Don't expect to get too personal with them or to have deep conversations with them until you make one of them your "best-friend" in which case she will love you and never betray you. Never, under any circumstances, talk about SEX with any of these girls...they were not raised to talk about anything interesting so you'll fall flat with them if you try.

Where Your Blind Spot Is:

You have no blind spot but just remember that if you're French and want to complain, or Spanish and want to party, or Greek and want to debate these boys you're not going to do well. Norwegians, Swedes, and Germans do well with Midwestern Men as you're all descended from the same people who came to this harsh land in the first place.

The Big Date:

He's got something nice planned but it won't be exciting. He likes theme-parks, ice cream, swimming, hiking, and beer. He doesn't complain and hasn't really experienced too much night-life in his little town. He doesn't care though and can appreciate the little things that make life special. If you choose to marry him and live in the midwest, get ready to toss all culture, sarcasm, and black clothing in the garbage. You're now a midwesterner and you're expected to "keep sweet" and "be nice". 


  1. Nebraska girl here and I call bullshit. You don't know us.

    1. Nebraska man here, you are so right!

    2. Nebraska man here, you are so right!

  2. I am from Missouri. And I agree, you so don't know the people here. Have you ever really been to the Midwest? Or did you just pass through and stop at a few gas stations? Or did you get this info from a compilation of 1950's magazines and/or your own imagination?
    The people here are very clicky and scandalous. While most people put on a nice, friendly face, when you leave their presence they will snicker to each other about the flaws they noticed about you.
    The women always want to have fun and the men are always down. In a small town it is most likely that your girlfriend today was your best friend's girlfriend yesterday or last year.
    However, this is the bible belt, so there are those that are nice, boring, and safe. But I have never seen so many hypocrites in all my life. Going to church is taken seriously, but that's about it. Just "going". Most people think that makes them righteous enough for them to point fingers at the ones that aren't going, while they are texting another woman about "hooking up", or about the night before when they met in the parking lot after work to fool around before they went home to their spouses.
    I have lived here almost my whole life and I believe Midwest people are some of the best actors and actresses you will ever meet.

  3. I really love your assessments. I am originally from Boston, MA, but I have lived in the Southwest, the South and am currently dating an older gentleman from Nebraska. I haven't met many Mid-Western men or women, but I will say that your description of him in your review is spot on - lol. He is so boring, but sweet and kind - lol.

    Also, I feel your comments about New England and Southwestern Men are equally spot on. Great articles.

  4. Nahhh bruh she pretty much nailed it. I'm from Missouri (a girl) and the people here are incredibly one dimensional. The guys are boring and the girls are plain Janes. Can't wait to get the F out!

  5. The Eastern part is awful. The men I've met just south of Michigan are all hot headed, narcissistic as hell, hate women but will charm them with gifts and fun just to treat them with no respect at all once they are married. It's so behind the times, in decay, and down right filthy here too. If a woman wants to wear makeup here, the men automatically assume they are doing it only for their pleasure or she's obviously cheating. The cave man mentality here is frightening. Midwestern men, at least in North Ohio, are so sensitive that they will explode if you question ANYTHING they say.

  6. I've lived in the Midwest most of my life, and think your stereotype of us is limited, but sweet.

    Aside from Chicago, the Midwest is predominantly comprised of small towns. Think pop 70,000 and under, with a lot of small farming and blue collar communities surrounded by corn fields. This environment does tend to lend itself to a more laid back lifestyle, opposed to those who live in New York or LA, where you're always on the go.

    That said, along with the super-friendly country bumpkins (and yes, the occasional scary backwoods hillbilly with more recipes for moonshine than teeth), you will also meet men who are educated, intelligent, and worldy. Men who are well versed in a broad range of topics from skydiving to classic literature to cutting-edge science, to men's fashion and auto racing that doesn't rhyme with "NASCAR."

    I myself have a post-graduate degree, coupled with an interest in Formula 1, timeless men's style, and combatives. I know how to handle a gun-toting maniac trying to shoot up my workplace. I ride a motorcycle, and have done a figure 8 in a car, powersliding the entire way. And yes, the British version of Top Gear (Clarkson, Hammond, and May) is way better than the US version.

    So while I can't completely disagree with your assessment of the Midwestern man, I think you're putting out a rather limited view of us as exceedingly congenial, if very basic and boring examples of the gender.

    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  7. Yeah, just moved here from the beach in LA and have my first date with a totally hot guy here tonight. Three months dating hiatus: not recommended! He's incredibly handsome, but already is making comments about how I'm "so different" than the women he knows. Umm, not sure if that's a good thing.

    Most of the men I've met here are NOT all sugar and sweetness. I've been impaled because I'm not whatever version of Christian this or that guy happens to be. Two people have now called my big Buddha statue in the yard (which I bought here!) "the sitting man". And the guy I'm going to see tonight reminds me of a Norman Rockwell painting come to life...with really great abs and biceps.

    In LA, it would be totally normal (as a middle-aged woman) to jump him tonight or at least this weekend. Here, there seems to be a slow ritual to all of this, very formal, kind of weird. He's my age, but in some ways, he seems older. I'm going to have to practice being demure, sweet, nice and not to make any jokes at all about Trump or Evangelicals or ridiculously polite drivers clogging all the roads or every woman over 50 looking either like a biker chick, a tubby mommy with short blonde hair and a doughy face, or a waif-thin woman with a high, shrill voice wearing tight size 6 jeans she got at Forever 21.

    Everyone is so nice here! It's completely unnerving and sometimes annoying! I may not last the whole year I signed up for.

  8. I wonder, where are these men you speak of? My husband is from N.W Ohio and over the past 29 yrs with him...I have had 2 major break downs. Yes he was nice on our dates but immediately after our 1st was born he changed into Jeckell and Hyde. His life growing up was so isolated and sheltered, he automatically assumes others, including me, are being mean and smart Alec when discussing literally ANYTHING. His lack of life experience and social skills is a huge problem. His knight in shining armor never ceases......EVER. We can’t go to a grocery store, a restaurant, anything, where he is not moved to flirt and be the “great catch” to every female cashier, bank teller, etc. in public.....right in front of me too. It makes women and teen girls feel uncomfortable and they look back and forth at us both like they don’t know what to say or do. I had to quit going anywhere with him. Kids are grown now and I’m planning to go back to Tennessee where people make sense.